Freely ambitious…without regret? Yes please.

My wife has a natural ability to always choose the right thing to watch on Netflix or Hulu. However, my selections usually end up on the ‘finish watching’ list and are hardly ever completed. The other night, Free Solo was her selection and while I have been known to be afraid of heights, I was mesmerized by the Nat Geo documentary of this man who defies gravity as a free solo mountain climber. The amount of effort, attention and serious work, both physical and mental, that goes into Alex Honnold’s conquests as a mountain climber would be equivalent to the most skilled of specialized surgeon (at least that’s what it seems like to me). The precision, attention, study and required flawless execution is not only admirable, it’s awe-inspiring. What drives someone to achieve such accomplishments or even attempt unimaginable feats of skill that could mean their potential demise? Whatever it is, it was a special treat to get some insight into this man. 

My challenge, and it can be not only frustrating but obnoxious, is instead of just being inspired, or happy to experience this found knowledge, I begin to question my own accomplishments, capabilities, my past…all kinds of useless thoughts and wonder if I am being my best possible self. The good thing is I am beginning to learn that doing this is a total waste of time. Having said that, it doesn’t mean those thoughts don’t creep into my head, I just decide much sooner in the downward spiral to stop the spinning and move forward. 

This all comes on the heels of the last four or five days being filled with a lot of family drama, issues and challenges all requiring direct or indirect attention and action. There seems to be a lot going on, maybe some because of not being prepared, some of it because of not being attentive, not anticipating needs or not considering the current environment and the needs of those around us. It all seems like a fertile place for strife…why wasn’t I prepared for all of this? Another useless question. Needless to say, 2020 is really pushing everyone to the limit and the ‘what if-ing’, ‘if only-ing’ or the usual ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ is just not proving useful or helpful in any way. This is how I came into this particular morning’s observations and meditation…first thing first, I needed a chakra clearing so I spent some time doing that.  Then, after settling with some deep breaths, I began searching through my books. The first reading I pulled was from The Gnostic Bible, Literature of Gnostic Wisdom

The Secret of the Truth

“If some belong to the order of the Priesthood, they will be able to go within the veil of the high priest. So the veil was not torn at the top, since it would only have been open to those above. Nor was it torn at the bottom, since it would have only been revealed to those below. But it was [torn] from top to bottom. Those above opened to us who are below that we may go in the secret of the truth. The truth is what is held in high regard because it is strong. 

But we shall go in there by means of lowly types and forms of weakness they are lowly when compared with the perfect glory. There is glory that surpasses glory. There is power that surpasses power. Therefore, the perfect things that have opened up to us together with the hidden things of truth, the holies of the holies has been revealed and the bridal chamber has let us in…’

This has revealed to me that, in many ways we are all equal and the truth is revealed to all of us if we seek it out. I believe I have been provided my gifts, and I assume everyone else has as well, to be my best self, the question is will we or can we accept them. Some days I will rise above and some days I won’t; that is up to me. At the end of Free Solo, when Honnold beheld his accomplishment, he admitted that someone is out there, watching this and setting their sights higher…it’s human and good that this happens. As part of my meditation and particularly through my Chakra clearing, the Infiniti sign impressed itself in my mind and I drew it out.

Never ending, it is life, an endless cycle and that is a great thing. Every day we have on earth is an opportunity to get better, an opportunity to use truth and the gifts we have been given to rise up…without end, and always evolving is the truth and hopefully, progress. 

I relax into my breathing, back straight, air filling my torso and feet firmly planted to capture all of the energy from the earth. Several deep cleansing breaths and I reach for the next text, A Course in Miracles, which revealed to me the following text:

God is the Love in which I forgive: 

God does not forgive because he has never condemned. The blameless cannot blame and those who have accepted their innocence have nothing to forgive. Yet forgiveness is the means by which I will recognize my innocence. It is the reflection of God’s love on earth. It will bring me near enough to heaven that the love of God can reach down to me, and raise me up to him. 

Those pestering thoughts of doubt and what could have been are cleaned up here. I am worthy and I am definitely enough. Everyone should feel the same about this. You should never feel condemned especially once you forgive yourself and achieve your innocence to seek every day and strive every day. This morning I forgave myself for any lingering feelings of doubt, of inadequacy, of having any fear. I let go of the past with an exhale and released all the negativity as a useless item that does not serve me today or ever. 

I am on a journey, my journey and it is perfect in the eyes of God. While it may not always feel that way, I must accept it, observe it, listen to it and learn from it…then I will progress forward down my path. However, before I get too ahead of myself, a reminder to stay grounded and about the danger of hubris from the Tao Te Ching is revealed after another reprise of deep cleansing breaths. 

Tao Te Ching Lesson #24

Standing on tip toe, you are unsteady

Straddle legged, you cannot go

If you show yourself, you will not be seen.

If you affirm yourself, you will not shine.

If you boast, you will have no merit

If you promote yourself, you will have no success.

Those who abide in the Tao call these leftover food and wasted action and all things dislike them. 

Well, this at first was a little confusing and pushed me a step back for a minute. I really feel compelled, for whatever reason, to share my thoughts and feelings here, but I never think of it as boasting or promoting or wasting my actions. This blog begins with the fact that it is mainly for me and it’s a medium I choose to practice on, and to express my thoughts out loud. If by chance I happen to catch another’s interest in whatever I am writing about, then I guess that’s my hubris. If not, I have expressed myself to the Universe and I do so without apology. I feel it’s right in my heart, I try not to over reach and be pontificating (if I am I hope I am told so)…in the meantime, I forgive myself and allow myself to progress down the path. 

The next passage almost echoed the Tao, and I took it to heart as it resonated with a lot of the challenges faced this week. I’ll let you read then provide my interpretation. The excerpt came from Marcus Aurelius:

Meditations, Book 6

27. How cruel it is not to let people strive after what they regard as suitable and beneficial to themselves. And yet, in a sense, you are not permitting them to do so whenever you grow angry at their bad behavior. For it is surely the case that they are similarly drawn towards what they consider to be suitable and beneficial to themselves.

‘Yes but they are wrong to think that!’

Well then instruct them and show them the truth, without becoming annoyed. 

As well as this just being good common sense as an outward approach to such situations we encounter in everyday life, it resonates and applies when administering love and forgiveness of myself. When thinking through my own challenges or questions, it should never be angry and resentful of past actions. I should be patient and focused on finding the truth…anger will only turn the student or myself away from me. 

Jesus, through his teachings as presented in the Gospels demonstrated that He focused on the truth and stayed away from popular digressions. He sifted through the noise to find the signal – a common challenge for me in this age of social media and strong opinions. When done properly, lessons for the self or others become more relevant and impactful. The next excerpt was pulled from The Message. It is obviously from the Gospels, but I neglected to note the chapter and verse. It’s definitely from the New Testament:

“Teacher, we know you have integrity, that you are indifferent to public opinion, don’t pander to your students and teach the way of God accurately. Tell us, is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar or not?” 

Jesus said, “Why are you playing games with me? Bring me a coin and let me look at it…this engraving, who does it look like? And, whose name is on it?”

“Caesar.” They said. 

Jesus said, “Give Caesar what is his and give God what is his.” 

There are laws of and not of this world, and the differences must be understood. There are times when the situation may call for an action that may not resonate high but is necessary. Sometimes you have to do what doesn’t feel right I think, but reconcile that with who you are and continue forward. Getting stuck on dogma does not serve me, but following my truth helps me forward.  

There are those that can and will aim much higher and those that choose to aim or simply, without ‘knowing’ fall lower…there always will be. I choose my path based on me and when lucky enough, I choose by how I am inspired by God and others. My eyes and heart are open to God and to the universe for that inspiration, so I feel blessed whenever I can actually capture the messages.  We are all aware of the world around us or at least we should be. It is important to be aware but know there is your truth and becoming entangled in the stories of comparison, unworthiness, unforgiveness, and other un’s that keep me from feeling free to express, make mistakes and move forward are unnecessary. Life is not perfect but yet again it is…I believe there are parts of and not of this world that must be reconciled and because I am not alone, this is a daily activity that keeps me challenged, growing and learning as I make my way down my path. 

Thank you for reading and I always appreciate your thoughts.

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